This is an issue for me in two provinces.

The first is in sorting out interpersonal conflicts. I know if I feel my colleague (partner, rival, fellow participant) is not comprehending my side of the matter, is not arguing in good faith, or is not taking the issue seriously, then I’ll get heated and my capacity to think straight will diminish. I also assume other people experience the same phenomenon.

And the second is in sorting out philosophical positions. In my experience, live debate is about debate tactics, appeals to emotion, obfuscation, argument schemes intended to disorient the opponent. In the heyday of the new atheism movement, Dawkins often discussed commonly used toxic rhetorical devices used by apologists. (the gish gallop, mott and bailey, and so on.) Though he was interested in a popular rise in interest in atheism, so he still felt the debate stage was a viable medium.

And years later we saw the same sort of debate methods used notoriously by Charlie Kirk, who seemed to seek to debate and ridicule unskilled college students in order to give his positions the illusion of legitimacy, initially about xenophobic MAGA ideology but later pro-Israel / anti-Palestine politics.

So, I’ve learned, the oral dialectic is not great for sorting out the truth. A text argument allows me to distill the point being made and see where that fits in the philosophical model (as I understand it). Dan McClellan has a habit of finding an argument, steel-manning it to assume the best meaning by the arguer and then discussing the biblical scholarship that intersects with that position.

Written positions also allow the argument to be checked for inconsistencies, so it’s actually a good thing when demagogues author an ill-conceived book justifying their positions. Less so when they have AI write it for them.

Nothing to do with drama in the childhood… There are people i like to talk to, but some people i’d rather have a writeup of our conversation because i know they will say the exact opposit tomorrow and will claim that is what they meant all along…

Yepppp, though I also can’t shut up irl either and keep putting my foot in my mouth anyways. I’ve also developed mixed feelings on text communication because I tend to either get too focused on editing what I have to say (I’ve deleted comments I spent an hour typing, and messaging loved ones has become hard because the amount of effort I feel will go into it keeps me from starting) or I go full Leroy Jenkins with it and hit enter without thinking

But yes, therapy is great. I didn’t think I was particularly fucked up or that my family home was that rough when I was a young adult. It took talking to people, including therapists, for me to realize a bunch of it and to start healing.

You should definitely get a therapist. There’s several things that could be. However, do not let the fact that you should get a therapist blind you to your own strength and obvious worth as a hell of a good person.

I’m neurodivergent and listening to my mom really tires me. That, and she also says things like “too bad you’re too big for a Baby Box”, referring to the drop-off system for unwanted babies

About the tangent you mentioned:

I don’t doubt that’s true, but there’s a myriad of other reasons why someone might prefer to text.

I don’t need gaslighting, my memory is so bad already that I don’t trust it. And for that reason, I prefer communication with a record.

hugsie for everyone who feels like want one now.

It’s really normal. I had to switch to text only with my ex-husband for these exact reasons. The gaslighting was intense and it can be so hard to get a sense of reality within a relationship like that.

It was lovely to be able to go in and delete some of the screenshots recently though. It’s been long enough that I felt safe to let it go <3

Therapy helps! I’d strongly encourage exploring some options. It’s not a bullet-proof solution, but therapy can really, really help.

Sometimes its the other way around. I prefer texts because I’m a visual learner… and visual formats being handy for maintaining accountability and avoiding abuse are a convenient byproduct. But I was a visual learner first.

Can confirm as someone who prefers text. It also allows me to organize my thoughts ahead of time.

Abusers choose language where the meaning behind it is coercive. It makes it hard to convey emotional meaning with someone who had to learn these survival skills. One might be seeking connection and that intent sits in the same space where others seeking to manipulate placed theirs.

It’s normal to have that style of communication and simultaneously feel gas-lit by people speaking with decent intent.

For the other stuff therapy can be effective if you get the right therapist and imo not someone peddling sympathy.

your trauma tangent sounds a bit like cptsd, i am not a psychologist, but that’s something i carry around.

there is no shame in going to therapy, it does not mean one is broken, it only means that one wants to get better.

Used to record every phone call with my parents so I could play back their own words when they said they didn’t say something, and my words when they said I said something I didn’t.