I have a girlfriend. She’s sweet, but she ALWAYS talks over me when i’m upset to change the subject or to tell me to look at a cat video or Bluey or Hazbin Hotel funny clips.
i feel so bad for saying this, but when i tried to tell her i was struggling with depression, it took like 3 tries to get her to listen, and all she said was to just be happy and smile.
today, i tried to tell her one of my grandpas died recently and she just talked over me about funny videos and tiktok. even if i tell her to listen, she does‘t or starts getting sad, so even when she says i can tell her anything, i don’t often. Am i in the wrong for that?
Also, she sends laughing emojis when I tell her something like “I have a PTSD diagnosis” on the topic of mental health, and she constantly puts herself down and asks me to give her reasons why she’s a good girlfriend and not “stupid and ugly”.
Often when people ask for advice like you are doing it comes down to “tell them what you told me just now.”
In this case it seems like she doesn’t listen, and/or care enough.
If you are trying in earnest, and it is reciprocated then there is room for growth. If it isn’t then they are not supporting you, and you should seriously and decisively consider going separate ways.
You can like each other, you can enjoy each other’s company, you can be in love, yet still it be wrong for a relationship.
Look man. I wish I knew you in real life. We could discuss this type of thing. Honestly even then its hard to give advice as all the consequences of such advice falls on you and your life but that is just even more the case when we are just randos on the internet to each other. Im sorry.
Then she’s not anywhere near sweet. She’s toxic.
Break up, be nice about it and tell her why. You kids are in highschool, you’ll both learn, grow, and date other people. Might be uncomfortable for a while but that’s how it is.
Ultimately you need to do what’s best for you.
Thanks :)
This person does not care about you. A lot of people in relationships don’t care about their partners. You will be a lot happier alone than with a person who is nothing but an emotional drain on your life.
There’s a lot of negativity in this thread that I don’t think is entirely warrented. It sounds like you’re both still very young and you haven’t been dating for more than a few months. It’s alright to just have a fun, shallow relationship for a while and then move on, especially at your age. That doesn’t make you a terrible person.
If you want your relationship to last beyond the first few months, though, when you’re both still in love, you’ll have to develop some sort of emotional connection beyond just fancying eachother.
The way I see it you have two options. The first is you enjoy the relationship for as long as you do. You get your emotional support somewhere else. When the initial attraction wears of you break up.
But if you want a serious long-term relationship, you’ll have to address this issue. You could try telling her how you feel the next time she changes the subject. Tell her you need to work through these negative emotions, and it’d be nice if she tried to listen and/or comfort you.
Or perhaps next time she’s feeling insecure and needs to be told she’s not stupid and ugly, you change the subject and show her some funny videos. See how she likes it! This is arguably a bit passive aggressive and immature, but it does sound like empathy isn’t her strongest point. It might help her understand if she experiences things from your point of view. Depending on how she responds, you could then address the matter in a more direct fashion.
Thank you :)
I’m glad if any of that was helpful. Good luck, have fun, don’t die!
There could be a variety of reasons for this behavior…
- She is uncomfortable because she doesn’t know how to comfort you
- She is avoiding her own trauma triggers
- She is ADHD or Autistic and doesn’t understand what’s expected of her in those moments
- She is not looking for a partner and only wants a relationship that’s “fun”
- She is callous and doesn’t care to put in the effort to support a partner
But here’s the thing… the root cause is not important (yet)
If your partner is unwilling or unable to support you, that’s not a good partner for you. That doesn’t make her a bad person necessarily…she may not be capable of dealing with everything you’re going through. But even if that’s the case then she still might not be the right partner for you.
I recommend trying to get her to focus on you before having your next conversation about this. Don’t start talking about the problem until her phone is away and she’s making eye contact. Don’t do it over text.
If that goes okay, then tell her what you need. Don’t sugar coat it or be vague. Tell her directly “when I say this particular please it means I’m looking to you for support and I need you to lock in, listen to where I’m saying, and engage with me as a supportive partner.”
If she can’t do that much, then it is probably time to move on. And if she listens and ignores you…it’s probably time to move one.
Communication is hard. And it’s the most important thing in relationships.
Good luck!
EDIT TO ADD: As someone else said, she also can’t be your therapist. Especially not at your ages. That doesn’t mean she can’t listen and provide comfort though. It’s important to manage your expectations - she’s not going to be able to give you advice or help you solve these issues - but it is not unreasonable to expect that she gives you her undivided attention when you are vulnerable
I completely agree with that. I don’t want her to give me advice, I just want her to listen, I should add.
You’re 16…a 14 year old is not going to be able to provide mental health support for you. You need actual help. You’re expecting something from someone still developing mentally. You as well. Go get the help you need and try not lay your mental health on others. There is being supportive and then there is expecting others to be your therapist…guess which one people don’t really want to do.
She’s 15 but I only brought up casual things like being sad, I didn’t tell my whole life’s story and I should add that she always talks about her depression and how sad she is and how she’s a terrible person so I guess neither pf us can deal with it
Married here - if it’s this bad now, you might want to consider how inconsiderate she might be when she’s going through her own shit and really really is in pain herself and it gets worse than this. Is that something you can handle? If not, I’d think twice about marriage. Be really sure about how someone handles their worst moments and how they’ll treat you in those moments before you decide it anchor yourself and yours lives permanently.
If you think she’s worth it, it’s time for couples therapy. They are there for exactly this type of thing.
Exactly. Having your needs unfulfilled in a relationship drains your love tank.
When the person who has been draining your love tank suddenly needs a fill-up and finds out you are empty, then disaster is the only possible outcome.
It’s easy to care for someone when you have reserves.
But if she consistently demonstrates that she is not going to fill your love tank, then even if you care for her, it’s better to let her go, because otherwise at some point, something is going to happen, and it’s going to be far worse for the both of you.
Having your needs unfulfilled in a relationship drains your love tank.
I know this is advice for OP, but thank you for putting it so clearly. I needed to hear this too
And I hope it helps someone else as well
Is this your ex from two months ago https://lemmy.world/post/51270212 and are you still questioning your sightness?
I see you struggling a lot from your posts but I’m not sure anyone here can give you the indepth professional help you might need. We’re just strangers on the internet. It’s easier to ask than a bunch of strangers at the shop, but not much better the offering advice.
Also given asking about if your 14yr old sisters friend is the arsehole puts you around tha age, for multiple reasons. Things will get better as you become an adult, but you do need to seek better trained support.
Thanks. Different partner, my current gf is recent, and I’m 16 but yeah.
It sounds like she’s only in it for the good times and doesn’t want to face reality. With that in mind, you need to consider how compatible that makes you too overall.
Sounds like that’s one hell of a one-way street, paved with nothing but red flags at every intersection.
She laughed at your PTSD diagnosis? That’s unhinged.
That’s a teenager who doesn’t know how to deal.
It sounds like the two of you have different coping strategies for trauma and that those two coping strategies are incompatible. You can’t make her do anything. Either she can be there for you the way you need her to, or she can’t.
I agree, TYSM
I would add some depth to this take. How long have you known each others? It might be that she is trying to lighten the mood and, in a misplaced effort to make you happy, strikes the wrong note. This is a crappy excuse an only works if you have been dating very shortly (a couple of months max) and only if, when pointed out, she makes obvious attempts at redirecting. I would not go as far as couples counseling, not worth it if she can’t see the problem and fix it herself.
Next!
People are like busses - there’ll be another one in a few minutes. And maybe that one will be going the same direction
(Paraphrased what a grandparent told me as a teen).
Yikes, is she 14 or something? The brainrot is horrible out there. I cannot Imagine how much it sucks being young now.
Could also be she has no idea how to actually deal with trauma so just sends laugh emojis to avoid awkwardness. Have you ever had a date or hangout without phones / screens ? Would they even be able to survive that ?
We are in high school, but yeah understandable
